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Time for a tech-savvy zombie plan

Things move quickly in our modern world ... except for zombies.

Things move quickly in our modern world … except for zombies. Photo: James Alcock

Yeah, yeah. So a fan fave got possibly might’ve got chomped on The Walking Dead. Big deal. It’s make believe, people. We have the real thing to deal with now and nobody is even paying attention. If you are as well informed on zombie news as me, which you’re not, because that would be impossible, you would know that the undead uprising is already upon us.

The recent report of a crazed airline passenger biting another passenger and then ‘dying’ – i.e., being put down by the business class passengers because they were the only ones with steel cutlery to stab the bitey fiend in the head – was tellingly short on details.

What happened to all of the economy class passengers, for instance? Did we hear of them again? No, we didn’t, because they’ve been fed into high temperature industrial incinerators by the CDC. Big mistake, CDC. Thanks for filling our lungs with zombie smoke.

Luckily, when this was happening I was beset by manflu, so any potential infection was counteracted by the manflu super-virus which does not not like to share its host with anything. I still have a dry, nagging cough – thanks for asking – but unlike you I’m not this close to turning into a shambling, slavering husk of cannibal ghoul.


Time then to review zombie plans. Specifically mine, because I assume that your’s mostly consist of not changing your disintegrating pants anytime in the next few years while you shuffle around, pantsless, trying to eat my brains.

Things move quickly in this go-go world of ours, except for zombies which only ever shamble, very very slowly. Rapid developments in dual use technologies since I last updated Plan Zed have rendered it outdated if not obsolete. I have no provision in there for anti-zombie drone operations, for instance. And drones would be a marvellous way to both track large pods of the walking dead, and even lead them astray.

Within my fortified compound I’d definitely be looking at some home automation kit that wasn’t available last time I refreshed my plan. Firstly this would involve setting up a network of cams around the tall battlements of Fort Birmo, but the end of the world can’t be all about the grim survival horror, and I’ve always wanted a Hue Lighting system, so one of those to lift the spirits might be a good thing too. Got to keep the spirits up as the world goes into the rotting maw of the ravenous fiends.

I’ll need a larger solar array to power all of this, and a big stack of Elon Musk’s new batteries to store electricity for my handily looted ultra large screen HD TV. I’d like to drive a Tesla through the zombiepocalypse too, but you really don’t want to worry about range anxiety when you’ve got a horde of biters stumbling along behind you.

I’d love that repeating shotgun the government banned a while ago, but failing that, a 3D printing set up would be nice, for basic weapons and survival doodads, although I’d probably lay in some of those lovely new carbon fibre baseball bats rather than trusting this still new technology for everything.

In the incidentals category, I’m looking forward to my Apple Watch tracking my calorie burn as I flee from the hungry horde, but I’m probably going to have to drop back to an iPod for the soundtrack because I don’t expect streaming music to long survive the fall of civilisation.

Finally, self warming sausage rolls. Yes! With an adequate supply of those marvels of the space program, I am ready to restart human society.

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