NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Saturday, March 19, 2016, 9:33 PM
Hulk Hogan was awarded a $ 115 million judgement against Gawker because the site posted a sex tape of Hogan going at it with Heather Cole, the wife of his best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge, in Sponge Bubba’s home.
Not since Kim Kardashian’s sex tape has oral sex been so profitable.
Hulk’s lawyer Kenneth Turkel actually said (and wasn’t laughed out of the Bar although he would have been laughed out of any regular bar in the world), “I think that being in a bedroom with your best friend’s wife should be something Terry should expect to be private.”
Exactly! Where has our humanity gone? If you get oral sex from your best friend’s wife, the last thing you deserve is to have your privacy invaded — even if you knew your best friend liked to watch his wife having sex with other men!
The St. Petersburg, Fla., jury awarded Hogan $ 55 million for economic injuries and another $ 60 mil just for the “emotional distress” the Hulk-a-Maniac suffered. No, Hogan wasn’t distressed from the oral sex (as far as we know anyway), but from the shock of having his romp posted for 7 million to see.
To boost PETA’s “Whip It” campaign, Devo has donated their royalties, which which will be used to make an exposé with new footage of tiger trainer, Michael Hackenberger, boasting that he can carve his initials on a tiger with his whip.
“Because,” said Turkel, “he’s a regular family guy,” that’s why.
A regular racist family guy who got fired for saying on that same sex tape — according to Radar Online and The Enquirer — about his daughter, yet: “I mean, I’d rather if she was going to f— some n—–, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall n—– worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player!”
And, “I guess we’re all a little racist. Fucking n—–. …I am a racist, to a point, f—ing n—-s. But then when it comes to nice people and sh-t, and whatever.”
Now that’s a concerned dad!
It was all enough to make a hard man cry. And cry Hulk did-after the settlement was announced.
Meantime, how is it that sportscaster Erin Andrews felt the Internet hate after a jury awarded her $ 55 million for being violated inside her own hotel room by a man who drilled a hole into the door, videotaped her naked, and posted it online for 17 million to see?
That’s right. A racist lowlife screws his best friend’s wife with the knowledge of his best friend and gets $ 115 million for distress and an innocent woman is stalked, violated and exposed because of the sloppy security of a huge hotel chain and gets less than half of that and for that she is derided.
At least Hogan won’t have to shill in cheeseball ads for Rent-A-Center anymore. He’ll be able to not just buy that 52-inch flat screen he holds up in the ad, but the proper video tape equipment so he can tape himself the next time he screws one of his best friends’ wives.
TREATED JUST LIKE ANIMALS (WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT IN VIDEO)
The good news is that Ringling will retire elephants in May. So you think PETA would be thrilled by this, right?
No, since lions and tigers are still used by both Ringling Bros. and UniverSoul circuses, (which also continues to use elephants).
PETA honcho Dan Mathews says that bullhooks “are the weapon of choice to force elephants to perform; with the big cats it’s whips.”
To boost PETA’s “Whip It” campaign, Devo has donated their royalties, which which will be used to make an exposé with new footage of a trainer boasting that he can carve his initials on a tiger with his whip.
“We’re also targeting big cat dealers like Mitchel Kalmanson,” Mathews said. “He supplies tigers to UniverSoul and others. He’s notorious for forcing them to live in filthy transport cages 24/7.”
There are more than enough acts in which humans willingly perform feats of astounding derring do. It’s well past time to stop forcing animals to do so against their will.
Times Squared: The world’s handsomest man, Henry Cavill, aka Superman, says he’s tired of fans hitting on him. Nonetheless, he put on a Superman T-shirt and hung out in Times Square, where fans not just refrained from hitting on him, but ignored him completely. Probably thought he was just another annoying super hero character looking for a handout, albeit one who was too lazy to put on the cape and tights …
Simple Simone Says: Fans are still angry that Zoe Saldana has been cast to play Nina Simone, a civil rights activist and one of the greatest singers of all time. Despite her acting chops, Saldana playing Simone is about as far from type as Margot Robbie playing Bette Midler. Simone rose to fame when women entertainers were accepted and lauded for their talent without having to look like super models or act like strippers.
WHY NOT HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT?
No, not me, him. Times Square’s newest character is a fake Donald Trump, who’s joined the naked painted ladies and aggressive furry creatures in giant heads. For 5 bucks, you can punch fake Donald (Kalan Sherrard), for $ 7 you can beat the crap out of him, for $ 10 you can trample him, and for a mere $ 300 you can pee on him. Best for Kalan — if not for us — is that no one can be arrested for public urination in Manhattan anymore. And you thought Times Square already stunk.
SECRETS CAN NOW BE TOLD
Addressing all the Internet rumors:
1. Hillary Clinton has been endorsed by the KKK.
Answer: True. Despite all the brouhaha about The Donald’s endorsement by the former KKK Grand Wizard David (Crazy) Duke, Hillary was endorsed by the current Grand Dragon, Will Quigg!
2. Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer and/or Michael Sweet of the Christian metal band Stryper.
Answer: False. But have you ever seen Cruz together with Zodiac or Sweet? No!
3. Donald Trump styles the live farm animal on his head himself.
Answer: True. Despite having an on-premises salon, no one touches his hair. Either of them.
4. The NSA refused to issue Hillary Clinton a secure phone when she was Secretary of State.
Answer: True: A bunch of yutz underlings refused the request of the country’s most powerful woman, thus exposing her to hackers, slackers and future backers.
5. Bernie Sanders is Jewish.
Answer: True. He just figures it’s not a campaign issue, unlike Cruz, who thinks religion is the most important campaign issue.
PAPA DON’T BREACH
Looking to never get your kids back from your ex, who thinks you’re unhinged and unfit?
Then be sure to copy Madonna’s Rules of Disengagement.
Don’t show up for the custody hearing.
Do show up on another continent acting drunk in front of thousands of strangers and yell, “Someone please f— me!”
Do invite a teenager on stage and pull the girl’s top down, expose her nipple, and proclaim: “She’s the kind of girl you just want to slap on the ass … and pull.” Pull?
Do pronounce your son’s dad, a “son of a bitch,” while swilling booze.
Do get the tour sponsored by Jose Cuervo, then swig it like Janis on Jack and dress like the demon love child of Merlin and Liza Minnelli.